the monkey business
of living together
My housemate has broken
the rules in our sharehouse by letting his fat, Scottish boyfriend move
permanently into his room. This uncouth squatter has rubbed salt into the
wound by giving me tinea via our shared shower. I’m a fairly easygoing
person, but I draw the line at fungal infections. Would I be over-reacting
by demanding this unhygienic, selfish bastard leave the house
immediately?
Yours sincerely, Scaley
Toes
Dear Scaley Toes,
First of all, Cher Scholar had to visit Dr. Koop.com to figure out what
Tinea was. Turns out it’s a form of ringworm, most commonly known as
athlete’s foot. Since it has taken Cher Scholar a year to get back to
you, you’re probably a human petri dish by now. Change your socks daily
and find an over-the-counter medication for yourself. As for the fat,
slobbish Scot, he sounds awfully familiar. Is your roommate’s boyfriend
Fat Bastard, by any chance? That can’t be good. You are very right to
draw the line at fungi. You may as well be living at the Y for all the
trouble you’re having. Cher wouldn’t live at the Y, I tell you what.
However, Cher did play a slob in the movie Silkwood, causing her
Meryl Streep roommate to complain that spaghetti had been abandoned so
long it was, in fact, growing cooties. Cher also played a slob in the 1969
movie Chastity. In this movie, she loved leaving faucets running
all over the house for no good reason. And during a trip to a whorehouse
in Mexico, Cher's character discovered living conditions she didn’t find
very spic and span, at one point breaking down in front of her lesbian
lover, screaming “You stink! This whole place stinks!” If only there
had been some Lysol handy, everything might have worked out. In the movie Mask,
Cher threw a beer stein across the kitchen, breaking a nick-nack shelf.
And Sonny & Cher lived with monkeys in the movie Good Times. I
wouldn’t recommend this, though. Monkeys tend to stink and they try to
run your life. In any case, these days Cher probably lives with a fleet of
maids who keep her sconces and incense burners dust free.
You, on the other hand,
live in squalor. Therefore, you would not be in err to kick your
fungi-riddled roomies to the curb the way Cher did with Gregg Allman. The
next time your roommates return from their European concert tour, make
sure their clothes are sitting outside your gated compound.
The morale of the
story: living with people is a hard business. Although at one point in
1974, Sonny, his girlfriend Connie and Cher cohabitated a house in Bel
Air, they ended up battling it out in the courts and in the tabloids by
1975. My advice to you, start building your own house in Malibu with your
own infinity pool to bathe in, free from the tidal waves of Scottish fat
bastards.
Mr. and Ms. Sequins
Here in the United
Kingdom we have a music program on the BBC called “Tops of the Pops”.
In the Christmas edition we were treated to seasonal greetings messages
from various celebrities. Completely unprovoked, Cher’s Christmas video
message to the viewers ran something like: “Hi, Top of the Pops. My best
Christmas present was a Rolls Royce. I gave it back!” Well, thanks for
that insight you materialistic bimbo – now come and clean up the mulled
wine I just puked over the Yule log. Any suggestions to prevent future
festive fallout? Paul
Dearest Paul,
I’ll make you a deal. You talk to Elton John over there and we’ll
stage an intervention with Cher over here. And because I know you’re
going to get absolutely nowhere with Sir Elton, I have no intention of
even starting to think about my intervention.
Cars, motorcycles,
houses, shoes, chain mail, yes Cher probably has warehouses full of crap
but would you have preferred her Best-Christmas-Present blurb to have been
a lie? Like “world peace as experienced in 1975 when we all joined hands
with John and Yoko in Central Park?” You’re so cynical, Paul; you’re
just not cynical enough! Most celebrities are materialistic. That’s why
they’re there – because they wanted to be rich and famous. Not exactly
the sentiments we seek in Christmas cheer, surely; but at least Cher doesn’t
pretend to be more righteous than she is. As Chris Rock once said “I’m
not saying it’s alright, but I understand.” I have to respect her
honesty and am glad she didn’t spew some contrived response such as: “the
best Xmas gift I ever got was a fan letter from a seven year old
Craniofacial kid, thanking me for footing the bill for her 9th
reconstructive face surgery and who’s family I hosted (along with
hundreds of other CCA families) on a summer trip to Disney World. Aren’t
I special? I help people!”
Let me tell you, over
here in America, we hear the song “Step into Christmas” ad nauseum
every year and I want to puke in my Yule Log, too. But I don’t. Because
that whole Yule log thing just isn’t my scene.
I propose we call a
moratorium on Christmas gift giving, Christmas moral posturing and
counter-posturing lest we forget what Christmas is really about, (no, not
moral superiority over other religions). I’m talking about dysfunctional
family suffering. In the meantime, the best Christmas gift you could give
the rest of us would be some compassion for the limitations of others,
understanding of the human condition, and finally grasping the idea that
Christmas brings out the worst in us all. Jeesh!
I am 44 and have very
similar features to Cher throughout the years. As she started getting
plastic surgery, the features I didn’t like on myself were gone on her
and now I think she looks better than she did as a teen! Is it possible to
get the name of the plastic surgeon who did her face-lift? Lorin
Dear Lorin,
Honey, even if I did have the name of a good plastic surgeon, I would
destroy it in my Hasbro Easy Bake Oven in an effort to prevent you from
spending your hard earned money on nose splints. Let’s start by taking
an inventory of things that look like they’ve changed on Cher. She has
fewer wrinkles now than she did when she was in her 40s. Her once thin
lips are oddly puffier. Her post-Mask nose is of a smaller version than
her TV nose. And her teeth are now straight. So, the features you are
referring to must be your nose, lips and teeth because wrinkles are a very
pedestrian cosmetic problem, not solely attributed to Cher. Let me first
say, Cher’s plastic surgery is grossly overblown. She has not had nearly
the number of rhinoplasties as Michael Jackson and putting her in his
category is unfair. And yet, from the outside looking in, it can be said
that plastic surgery always did seem unnecessary for Cher, our Queen of
kick-butt-love-me-as-I-am-ness.
Let hear it for the
beautiful flaw. Perfection is over-rated. It has a strange way of turning
promptly into ordinariness. Read Dr. Suess’ thesis “The Sneetches”
for a definitive theory on this issue. Also, consider the line from Cher’s
cover of Patty Larkin’s “Angels Running”: “There is nothing less
than perfect in a less than perfect world.”
You have your own
demons to fight, not Cher’s. So doing what Cher does will not resolve
your personal insecurities. She does what she does and says “if I want
to put tits on my back, it’s nobody’s business but my own.” Fair
enough, but it reminds Cher Scholar of an old saying her mother used to
use on her: “If your friend put her tits on her back would you put tits
on your back, too??” Cher Scholar always thought Cher was very beautiful
with her larger nose and crooked teeth. If you agree, affirm the old Cher,
version 1.0, and stay put. You should look like you. Save your money for
fun things like a cruise or a trip on The Orient Express. Consider it a
kind of plastic surgery on the soul.
On a personal note, Cher Scholar has a crooked nose, which has bothered her even since an old boyfriend lovingly pointed it out to her over 10 years ago. That is it bothered her until she noticed Harrison Ford had the same malformity. This proved to Cher Scholar that you can be a sex symbol even if you have a grossly crooked nose. If Harrison Ford got plastic surgery would Cher Scholar do it too? Hell no! She would just track down another celebrity with a crooked nose. I’m not changing, god dammit!
I
know this really great guy. He goes to school with me, and he’s like my
best friend. He’s like the only person who really understands and
accepts me for every unique thing about me, including my fixation with
Cher. He has liked me forever, and I like him now too. However, I don’t
really want to be tied down right now, and I’m the worst person in the
world when it comes to committing to one guy. Also, I’m afraid we’ll
break up two weeks after we start going out, and then I’ll hate him
forever because I’m such a jealous person sometimes. Another thing, we
do this thing together called Odyssey of the Mind (it’s totally
impossible to explain). Anyway, I’ve determined through my experiences
(which are considerable) that its’ never a good idea to date a guy on my
team. I’m not real sure if I want to go out with him or not. What do I
do? Cherilyn
(Yes, that is my real name.)
Dear
Cherilyn,
What? Who are you kidding? Honey, you won’t be finding many other
Cher-positive boyfriends out there. Take this one!! Take my word for it:
most men who like Cher are gay. Cher most likely turned straight men
against her when claimed men were just a luxury in her life, not a
necessity. I can see where that could be misconstrued as insurrection. Men
are so sensitive.
Now
according to their website, Odyssey of the Mind is a school program which
fosters creative thinking, problem-solving, and creating confidence
through projects that range anywhere from building mechanical thingamajigs
to interpreting literature. It sounds like a real fine program. It also
sounds like dating someone in your OOTM group could be detrimental to
maintaining that nonjudgmental, non-emotionally hazardous atmosphere you
need when learning life skills. On the other hand, I can’t imagine you
will be finding another guy out there who is committed to creative problem
solving and doesn’t think it's royally stupid to be a fan of
Cher.
You
may think Cher Scholar is reckless in discouraging proven school programs
for the sake of Cher-accepting men; but you may not realize, at your
tender age, how rare Cher-acceptance is in a mate. Also keep in mind,
dating is no life sentence. If he tells you it is, he’s a psycho. Let
him waste away in Margaritaville. Think of this relationship as a Val
Kilmer/ Gene Simmons romp instead of a Sonny Bono ten-year plan.
But
hear me now: I’ve never heard of a heterosexual male who didn’t love
to lord his superior taste in music over his Cher-fan girlfriend. If there
is such a tribe, tell me where would one go to find them?
Note to reader:
Cher Scholar's Ape Culture Co-editor Coolia would like to advise the reader that her boyfriend-to-be
is probably gay and just doesn't know it yet.
I am 13 years old and I
am totally crazy about Cher and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
Unfortunately, I can’t go to any of their appearances or concerts (in
Cher’s case) because of school/lack of money/parental disagreement. By
the time I’m old enough to have no school or parent restrictions, they
will both be over 60 and will probably have given up show business
altogether! What do I do? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I don’t see much of Elvira NOW so I don’t know what to
tell you about her future in show business. I suggest you contact an
Elvira Scholar. As for Cher, it does seem, at first glance, as if you are
facing a race against time; but I would almost swear to you that Cher will
still be available for general viewing after she’s 60. I would almost
bank on it, unless she gets hit by a truck or dies in a plane crash. Let’s
not think about that.
Think instead about me,
a sentimental seven year old. My life’s one simple innocent dream was to
wait until I turned 16, get my drivers license, and drive across the U.S.
of A. to Television City where I would finally see The Sonny & Cher
Show as part of a live studio audience. My parents didn’t
understand this life quest. To them, fanship without knowing a celebrity’s
political party was just pure folly. But it didn’t matter at the end of
the day because The Sonny & Cher Show was cancelled that year.
However, twenty-two years later I was able to simply take the train down
into Manhattan for a Cher book signing at Barnes and Noble. And this will
probably happen to you, too. Just as there are no television show tapings
these days for me, there may be no concert tours any more for you. But she’s
got another book in her, I bet. And there will be other appearances: guest
spots on talk shows, the occasional odd concert. Cher didn’t meet her
own idol - Audrey Hepburn- until she was over 40 -- at an awards
show. The trick will be to get a ticket to these rare events. But tell
your sad story enough in the next ten years and some TV producer, fan club
or Cher Entouragean will send you one out of pity.
Another option: keep working on your own parents. Seriously, with all the scary music out there today, Cher is comparative bubblegum. I know no drug addicted alcoholic petty thief Cher fans and I’ve been around them for almost 30 years. Win your parents over with Cher’s catchy catalogue of songs. Stage Cher Musicals in the backyard. Host a Cher retrospective movie night. Okay, it didn’t work for me either. The point is…Cher will be around for another decade or two.
How can I improve my vocabulary? Merriam Oxford
Merriam,
I Suspect your question stems from the fact that either you’re not
dazzling people with your verbal repertoire at parties or you are training
for the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee. But honey, if I’ve learned
anything from my ten years of boring office jobs, it’s this: you don’t
have to be smart in this world; you just have to pretend you are. So learn
to pretend you know big words. Pretend you’re a lawyer like Cher was in
Suspect, or an accountant like Cher was in Moonstruck. Pretend you’re a
rich American heiress, a waitress, a janitor, a sculptress, a secretary, a
biker-mom without gainful employment, a superstar or a hooker philosopher.
Your vocabulary will evolve in ways you least expect. But although all
this pretending sounds like great fun for the next executive management
meeting, you might want to rethink the whole vocabulary strategy anyway.
Take Cher herself, for example. She’s more of a visual than a verbal
person. If a picture speaks a thousand words, Cher’s wardrobe says a
lot. Why learn a thousand words when one wacky wig will do? Think of
creative ways to say “you snubbed me for the Oscar.” No one but
academic geeks will be able to understand your big words anyway.
Who do you think sheds more?
What can I do when my dog starts humping the leg of a guest in my home? Nancy Fuller
Dear Nancy,
Now that’s a tough one. Cher doesn’t have any pet history that has
been well documented, aside from the odd dog or cat mentioned here or
there. Her Academy Award was allegedly in place as a doorstop so her cats
could roam from room to room. I bet those cats most likely marked poor
little Oscar. Cher’s never made a dog buddy movie like K-9 or Turner and
Hooch, so it’s difficult to say what kind of chemistry she has with
dogs. And dogs in her movies have been very peripheral, such as Scoongie
in Good Times and the yellow lab in Mask. I think Kurt Russell had a dog
shadowing him around in Silkwood. And in Moonstruck, grandpa had lots of
dogs. They were out of control. He fed the menagerie right from the table
until Olympia Dukakis’ character Rose barked, “Old Man, if you give
another piece of my food to those dogs, I'm gonna kick you till you're
dead!” Some people just have no patience with your very special
relationship to your five dogs. But if grandpa had been a celebrity, Rose
would put up with his rascally dogs. People also put up with celebrity
dogs, like the allegedly difficult Mr. Winkle (www.mrwinkle.com). Offhand,
I don’t know how to prevent your male dog from humping your guests but
to convince your guests they’re witnessing some spectacular and
entertaining (and completely non-embarrassing) event as Anna Nicole did
when Sugar Pie started humping that inanimate defenseless teddy bear on
The Anna Nicole Show. Sycophants would be more than happy to have Cher’s
dog hump their leg. All you have to do is convince your guests they’ve
been “touched” by some Buddha dog or that your canine pal is a reality
TV show dog and soon-to-be famous. This will most likely not work.
Basically, there are dog people and there are dog-hating people. And dogs
always pick the latter to sexually molest. It’s just their passive
aggressive way of letting you know they’re horny enough to do it with a
tree. It’s only slightly less embarrassing than your guest finding
copies of Playdog or Pentdoghouse under the couch.
Part of my retirement package.
What should I do with my 401(k)? A. Mary Fund
Dear A. M. Fund,
This would be a good question for Loretta Castorini, Cher’s accountant
character in Moonstruck. If you’re Cher Scholar, prudent money saving
tips make your eyes glaze over and your eyelid sequins fall off. Words
like aggressive and emerging growth, international value, and money market
funds make your wacky wigs frizz. But here are some tips if you must have
them. Participate in your company’s 401(k) plan and contribute as much
as you can. If you want to avoid bagging groceries when you’re 80, you
simply must pry that platform shoe money out of your own hands. You’re
supposed to keep your emergency money in a separate savings account. If
you’re Cher Scholar, all your money is emergency money. Tragically, you’ll
be penalized if you try to get your 401(k) money out before you’re
59-and-a-half years old. You’ll feel like a little tyke again when you
march up to your financial advisor and proclaim, “I’m 59-and-a-half
years old today. I want my money now!” In the meantime, put in whatever
money you don’t plan on seeing for a while. Pretend your sending money
back to relatives in the old country. Take full advantage of available
company matching. It’s free money. According to the website
pensionconsultant.com, “Stocks might be scary, but over the long run
they perform best, by far. Unfortunately, more than two-thirds of 401(k)
money is in low-yielding bond or money market funds, where it grows very
slowly.” Stick with an out-performer like the stock market index fund
(the S&P 500). If your company plan doesn't include this option,
pensionconsuoltant.com says to “urge your payroll professional to have
one added. Every 401(k) plan in the nation should include a stock market
index fund.” According to pensionconsultant.com, “taking advantage of
your 401(k) means you shouldn't end up having to rely on government
programs like Social Security,” which will mean tough times for Cher
Scholar and Olivia Newton John Scholar because we haven’t had much
expendable income lately for such things as retirement investments. You
see, our scholarship overhead is so high. If you’re Cher Scholar, you
are probably fighting a great urge to cash in your 401(k) to get the
original 45 of “Ringo I Love You” or a set of 10 Farewell Tour tickets
for each absolutely final performance. Or you may want to cash in for that
extremely rare 1977 MIB Sonny & Cher Theater in the Round play set
listed on eBay, an item listed as being in very good condition and one
that comes with piano and bench, vanity, three-legged stool, two
spotlights, TV camera with stand and "look through feature,"
hand-held microphone, and three (count ‘em, three!) play areas! If you
were Cher Scholar, you might consider this type of purchase an investment,
along the lines of a Beatles lunch box. Although if you were Cher Scholar,
you would never part with it and the fruits of the investment would never
pay off. Rather, the Sonny & Cher Theater in the Round would become a
burden for your heirs, like all those mansions for the Rockefellers. Cher
Scholar’s father tells her she should not be worrying about a 401(k) but
instead saving up three months of living expenses in case of an emergency.
Cher Scholar complains that he has been telling her to do this for ten
years and for ten years she has not been able to do it. Cher Scholar’s
father says if she didn’t buy so much Cher crap, she might be able to do
it.
If Cher were reading poetry, she
would emote
from behind a podium like this one.
Can Poetry matter? Joy Dania
Dear Joy,
It doesn’t seem to, but I swear it can. You may be surprised to hear
this, but Cher Scholar by day is actually a trained and certified poet by
night. And let me tell you, without poetry there would be no songwriters
and nothing for misunderstood artists and bi-polar college students to do.
I know what you’re saying, when you listen to Diane Warren Cher songs,
you guess poetry just doesn’t matter. But although there isn’t much
poetry in “Love and Understanding,” poetry can be found in other Cher
songs. Take these lyrics from “Taxi Taxi”:
Take me to your meditation
Take me to your door
Show me love's sweet revelation
Lying on your floor.
That a meditation could be lying on a floor – now that’s a surreal metaphor by Todd Terry and Mark Jordan. Here’s a deep thought for you to ponder from Patty Larkin in the song “Angels Running”:
There is nothing less than perfect
In a less than perfect world
So we have a surreal metaphor and a piece of Zen philosophy. Next, Sonny Bono pulls off another kind of poetry, the profound statement of surprising simplicity. From one of his last great songs, “Somebody”:
Someone told me long ago
Cher, you just can't see
You miss a forest looking for the tree
When I think about it now
It's very true you see
‘Cos everything I want is next to me
Cher herself even penned
a line or two worthy of real poetry in her 2000 album
Not Com.mercial. Although in a poetry workshop, she would have been
advised to edit that “Bob Dole’s useless arm” line. First thought
isn’t always best thought, as it turns out. She would have been told
that this line distracted from the work the rest of the song, “Lady from
San Francisco,” was doing quite well. Never be so enamored of your own
writing that you won’t sacrifice a line that’s upstaging the rest of
the poem. But there are a few crystal moments of Cher writing, including
this mind-bending gem from the controversial “Sisters of Mercy”:
The karma train waits for no man
but God waits for us all
So, girls and boys, we have proven that poetry exists, but does it matter? Poetry has arrived, but does anyone else show up? I believe more people would attend poetry readings if Janet Jackson were there at the podium to rip off a breast panel at the very end. Poetry would sure matter then, by golly. But Janet’s not there for poetry, sad to say. So, does a positively beautiful but unnoticed act of poetry matter? Ask yourself this: does a negatively evil but unnoticed act matter? Does oneman’s hatred spread into a philosophy of hate which begets a cult of hate which begets one act of terror, causing the death of thousands and exacerbating the fears of millions? Can one small bit of bad will build enough momentum to topple sky-scrappers? I don’t see why one small act of poetry can’t do the inverse.
Cher, sitting two paces behind the
man.
I have recently been working with a guy we'll call Mr. X. For me, working with him is a total pain in the ass! Every time I ask him to do something, (and I am above him on the ladder, so it's fine for me to do so), he comes back with sarcasm along the lines of "No way...What, you thought I was planning on working today?" Funny guy. He does eventually get around to doing the said task, but it's like pulling teeth. I've spoken to other women at work who have similar experiences and frustrations. The interesting part is the guys love him. They say, you ask him to do something and he does it. Hmmm. The other wrinkle to this, and why I'm asking you, Cher Scholar, is that Mr. X is gay. And since you are Cher Scholar, you obviously have plenty of knowledge of gay men. I know there are angry-man-hating lesbians out there, but it never occurred to me that there were angry-women-hating gay men out there, as well. Or do you think that this is a simple, boring case of a man who can't handle working for a woman? Britt Knowlton
Dear Britt,
This is an interesting question. When you think of sexual harassment and
male chauvinist pigs, you usually think of heterosexual men, don’t you.
I wonder how many instances of harassment and discrimination against women
by gay men there really are. In reality, harassment and discrimination
moves in all directions, across all races, nationalities and sexes. Which
is a sad, sad thing. Everyone is always positioning for power. Cher has
been harassed by the most chauvinistic of them on any day in the
rock-and-roll biz, starting with the infamous slimy record producer Phil
Spector. In the early 60s, he asked Cher in French to sleep with him.
Without missing a beat, she answered him in French: “for money.” She
had a smart mouth, Sonny used to say. And she used it to cut some men to
pieces. Spector backed off and they even became friendly. But Cher was
living with Sonny, a chauvinistic sort of fellow himself. He dictated
where Cher could go, what she could buy and what movies she could watch.
He thought, as husband, he should be unquestioned. Cher felt her
personality being squashed and she left him in 1974, falling right into
the arms of a gay man, allegedly a harasser of women as well, wouldn’t
you know it. Cher handled him, somehow. And eventually dumped him for
sexist pig Gregg Allman who used to say women had only two uses – to
make the bed and make it in the bed. Cher left him in 1978 and leapt into
the arms of crass but tongue-in-cheek sexual objectifier Gene Simmons,
there all but ending her string with chauvinists of one degree or another.
Cher probably had the most difficulty with Sonny, the least crass but
probably most traditionally chauvinist of the bunch. Cher simply out-crassed
them. She struggled with difficult men in her movies as well, fighting
non-stop with the little-liked Peter Bogdanovich, director of Mask. Cher’s
even covered sexism in a few of her songs: from 1969’s “Do Right Woman”
to 1987’s “Working Girl” (“she’s just a pawn in the struggle”)
to 1996’s “It’s a Man’s World.” When Cher left Sonny and David
and Gregg, everyone thought she was a dumb broad. No one listened to her,
record execs tried to dictate what music she could record. Eventually, she
had to fire people and leave labels, and only work with people who could
respect her authority. As you know, show biz is a dirty biz where people
get ahead by playing mind games. Life is a constant battle and struggle
with jerks. Try organizing the girls. Tag-team insult the guy. He hits you
where it hurts to be a girl. Hit him where it hurts to be a boy. But if he
gets a reputation for being trouble, hopefully no one will want to work
with him. He may get ahead anyway, just like David Geffen. Sometimes jerks
get ahead. And I have no simple platitude for that.
Thufftt, U2 fan, thuffftt!
What the hell was Cher thinking covering U2’s "I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For"? Surely she must know that she is covering an anthem song of arguably the best band on the planet. And this is a band who has gotten where they are largely due to their incredible live performances. To attempt to cover this band is a futile exercise - you'll never do them justice. It didn't work for the Pet Shop Boys in the 90s and it didn't work for Cher on tour, and it wont work for anyone else. It's like trying to recreate the Mona Lisa. Why waste your time? U2 Fan
U2 Nut,
Sugar, don’t get your Bono in a snit! Cher did that once. Different
Bono. Same snit. She covered “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking
For” because she found a spiritual connection to the song…being a
spiritual, physical, musical nomad and all. Being that money and fame ain’t
the answer and all. At least she didn’t lip synch it. Classic songs will
be covered. And lots of great artists did covers: Elvis, Sinatra. You must
come to terms with this as the fan of a megaband. Do you think I
appreciate Britney Spears’ cover of “The Beat Goes On”? This is
simply just something we must endure, my friend. Think of The Beatles,
arguably the best band on the planet, and everyone who covered “Yesterday.”
Cher never covered “Yesterday,” but she did cover “Hey Jude”, “Something”
and “Gotta Get You Into My Life” all on one album! Why would she do
that? Because she feels like it, that’s why. Even with 43 Bono, the
original Bono, songs under her belt and 10 Bob Dylan covers, Cher has many
more covers on almost all of her past 35 albums. Cher is the Cover Queen
and Tom Jones is the King. Together, they rule the kingdom of covers. Due
to their respective variety shows, they were able to cover songs weekly
for years and largely bypass even their most famous lounge cover act
competitors. Tom Jones and Cher covers are super when they each choose the
right material. They’re both getting old but they’re both still hip
enough to pass muster and sometimes record some groovy covers. Jones did a
great version of Prince’s “KISS” and Lenny Kravitz’s “Are you
Gonna Go my Way” and Cher earned a Grammy nod for her cover of Amber’s
“Love One Another.” She also does a great cover of Patty Larkin’s
“Angels Running,” Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy” and Miriam
Makeba’s “The Click Song” which Cher sang in the Niger-Congo Xhosa
language. Both Cher and Tom Jones have a combined following of old fans
and new hipsters and are able to pull off both the old and the new covers.
Some of Tom Jones more pitiful efforts are “9 to 5” and “Take It To
The Limit.” Cher actually does do a good cover of both “Take It To The
Limit” and “Those Shoes” by The Eagles. But her worst covers include
“Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay,” “Honky Tonk Woman” and “Listen
to the Music.” And since your band is not in her list of worst covers, I
don’t see that you have anything to worry about. Hey, did you hear? Tom
Jones is working on a cover of “Sunday Bloody Sunday.”
