My Battle-of-the-Movie-Stars Dinner Party

On Sunday, April 4, 2004, I had a small dinner party in my Palms-area Los Angeles home. Over the last year, I had been reading popular Zinester Chef Dan Goldberg of Curmudgeons Home Companion write about the death of cooking and the necessity of rejuvenating the dinner party. I was convinced. Soon, Ape Culture co-editor Julie Wiskirchen, a pop culture aficionado and Jack Nicholson fan (see the letter to the editor in Cher Zine 1) agreed to participate and we squared off with our respective celebrity-obsession recipes.

Our celebrity-related parties have a long and sordid history. Not long after we met in graduate school, we threw a few celebrity obsession parties which included obsession video reels and celebrity-related recipes, both which coincidentally included fat free muffin recipes. We wrote about the experience on our pop culture web site Ape Culture: www.apeculture.com/celebparty.htm.

During my Cher obsession party, I served Cher’s applesauce muffins from her Forever Fit book. No one ate them, and the consensus was they were too rubbery. On the other hand, at Julie’s Jack obsession party, Jack’s fat free muffins were much more edible, a situation which created a lingering debate which waged over many years – whose fat free muffins were better? Eventually our obsessions both came out with cookbooks with eerily similar titles….and the debate intensified. As I was working on this zine and looking for content, we decided to have a full-on taste test party with a full menu of Cher vs. Jack Nicholson recipes from Cooking for Cher (Fireside Books) by Andy Ennis, 1997, and Cooking for Jack (Pocket Books) by Tommy Baratta, 1996. Supplemental recipes were included from the Robert Haas/Cher fitness book Forever Fit (Bantam Books), 1991.

The playing field was relatively even. Both of us were novice chefs and both cookbooks were filled with low fat recipes. If anything turned out edible, we’d be ahead of the game. Overall, Jack’s recipes are more highbrow in nature (Cavatelli with Broccoli Rabe and Roast Pork with Campari Sauce), Cher’s recipes are more Average Joe (brownies and ambrosias). Both had nutritional info on the side, although Cher’s two books were more detailed. With more than just fat and calories numbers, her’s included data on protein, carbs, fiber, cholesterol, sodium, and breakouts on fat types.

It was a challenge to find exact recipe matches across Cher and Jack Nicholson cookbooks, so we compromised with food that had the same main ingredient – an apple dessert, a banana-based muffin, a swordfish main dish. As we found out, swordfish is an expensive fish. I went to three stores before I found enough for our two recipes. At a cost of about $30, we had about eight servings of swordfish. But we both agreed that swordfish was worth the price, easy to fix, yummy and not at all fishy tasting.

Cher’s main dish was called Cajun Swordfish Brochettes (Cooking For Cher, page 85). I was intimidated by the idea of cooking shish kebabs but it turned out to be easy and fun, akin to stringing popcorn on a string. We didn’t have a grill so we broiled our fish. Broiling was easy and fast, even though we only had one of those awkward thin broilers underneath an old oven. Cher’s book offered serving suggestions with the swordfish (black eyed peas) which we didn’t make. The directions were confusing at first, but once I got the idea, away I went skewering innocent veggies and Cajun-sprinkled swordfish cubes. The red onions were hard to skewer once they were microwaved and soft. I have a great aversion to bell peppers but included them anyway because they added a necessary red/yellow/green color to the kebabs. I couldn’t find leeks despite the aid of three grocery clerks and my mother’s vague description of them. I got zucchini instead which tasted great with the Cajun spice. The large mushroom on the end was a cute embellishment and tasty as well. The recipe claimed to made six kebabs, but I doubled it and had enough for only ten. Jack’s Grilled Swordfish with Mixed Bean Salsa made about four servings of swordfish steaks. The salsa mixture contained garlic, onion, cilantro, cannellini beans, kidney beans, and black beans which were then piled on top of the swordfish steaks. The salsa needed to cook for about an hour but the grilling was as quick as the kebabs, taking only 10-12 minutes. Julie found there to be a lot of chopping involved in this recipe which she didn’t enjoy. But she admitted it couldn’t have been easier to throw the fish into the broiler. Cher’s Swordfish contained 205 calories per skewer and 7.8 fat grams. Jack’s was 389 per serving with 8.2 fat grams. Our taste testers included Nicole, my boss from a local cancer charity, Kelly, also from the same company, Shelby, an actress, and Britt, an Assistant Director. The testers mostly liked Cher’s Cajun Swordfish the best, although they said it was a bit too salty. One dissenter, Kelly, found the kebabs altogether too spicy and preferred the bean salsa topped swordfish. Competitor Julie and I agreed we liked them both and would make them both again.

For a side dish, we chose Au Gratin Potatoes. Cher’s version was called Potatoes Au Gratin (Forever Fit, page 201). I had somewhat of a prep problem with this recipe and had to call my mother, Estelene Ladd. The recipe said to start with baked potatoes, peeled and sliced. I was worried baking them would cause them to be too soft for slicing. My mother suggested under-baking them (maybe 30 minutes at 400 degrees) so they’d be somewhat soft but hard enough to slice. I had never sliced potatoes before and I sliced mine too thick. This caused problems later on when they wouldn’t finish baking in the casserole because they weren’t thin enough. Cut yours thin. I also had problems finding Butter Buds in packet form as the recipe called for. I found a small spice jar of Butter Buds in the spice isle and had to do some ounce measuring conversions. Other than the slicing issue and the Butter Buds, this was as easy recipe to make. The “cheese” sauce was made with only ½ cup sharp cheddar shredded, yogurt and cottage cheese, all which was used to compensate for its low fatness. The results were not nearly cheesy enough so the yogurt/cottage cheese compensation didn’t work. The result was kind of soupy, as well, and made a small bowl of potatoes which the recipe said would serve 8 people. Jack’s version was called Guilt Free Gratin of Potatoes. His recipe explicitly called for “thinly sliced” potatoes. His also included onions, chicken broth, garlic, bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. It claimed to serve four people and also made a small bowl. Again, Julie said she did lots of chopping of onions and parsley and potatoes for this recipe. Cher’s potatoes contained 185 calories per serving and 2.2 fat grams while Jack’s had 222 calories per serving and 1.4 fat grams. Nicole liked the onion potatoes, Britt was split, Shelby liked the thinner potatoes but also liked Cher’s potatoes, saying she wouldn’t have liked them too gooey and cheesy. Julie liked the thinner cut potatoes. I disliked both because they weren’t cheesy enough.

For old time’s sake, we decided to add fat free muffins, although muffins were apropos of nothing in our dinner scheme. I
didn’t make the applesauce muffins this time. I made Cher’s Banana-Chocolate Chip Muffins (Cooking for Cher, page 187). They start with over-ripe bananas, which you can get in spares at the grocery store. When given the choice by the recipe, I used buttermilk over low-fat milk. I opted out of using walnuts in case any of our guests were allergic to nuts (which Nicole turned out to be). The recipe called for a paltry amount of chocolate chips, maybe two tablespoons. But they went a long way. The dough was sticky but the muffins were easy and fun to make. The recipe said it would make 12 muffins but I had dough for about fourteen and a half. Julie made Jack’s Banana Yogurt Muffins. Her recipe claimed to make twelve muffins as well and suggested serving the muffins with jam. Cher’s muffins contained 131 calories per muffin and 2.06 fat grams, while Jack’s had 129 calories per muffin and 0.5 fat grams.  The taste testers unanimously preferred Cher’s muffins thereby vindicating her muffin-making prowess. Everyone fell for the chocolate chips, basically. You can’t fight chocolate. Even Julie preferred the Cher muffins. Kelly was the one dissenter, saying she liked the texture of Jack’s better, that they were lighter and Cher’s were too sticky. Mary honestly didn’t like either one and found both textures to be rubbery.

For dessert, we served Cher’s Oatmeal Apple Squares (Forever Fit, page 225) and Jack’s Apple-Amaretto Crips. Cher’s recipe fit into a 13×9 baking pan and mostly contained shredded apple, oatmeal and raisins. The recipe called for whole wheat pastry flour and granulated fructose – which I discovered is used for people who have diabetes. I never did find it and had to go online to find the fructose/sugar conversion which was 3:1. Assembly was easy. I left out the pecans again due to folks with nut allergies. The results had a nice oatmeal raisin texture, but was very gooey and hard to cut into squares. It crumbled. Jack’s called for granny smith apples to be quartered and the recipe was made with marsala wine and amaretto almond cookies. Jack’s made a serving for four in a very small square baking dish. Julie said the recipe was easy to make, but she had to peel and chop the apples and crunch up the cookies. She said she wished the recipe would have told her she needed to reheat before serving. This cookbook is not for amateur cooks, she said. It doesn’t tell you everything and assumes you know stuff.  Cher’s apple dessert contained 187 calories per serving with 5.2 fat grams while Jack’s had 218 calories and 2.2 grams of fat. The taste testers preferred Cher’s apple dessert because they felt Jack’s needed to be heated and served with ice cream. The only criticism on Cher’s was that it may be too sweet and one person didn’t like raisins.

The control food was a salad with Estelene Ladd’s famous homemade blue cheese dressing which all the guests liked because it’s full of fat.

Conclusions: I started with a low-fat food prejudice. I often find low-fat food to be dull and bland. I longed to be able to use real butter vs. butter buds. The potatoes were too soupy and the muffins too rubbery. It takes a lot of soul searching to decide to go low fat. I’d personally rather exercise more and give myself a little fat.

Overall, Cher’s food won the cook off. And our guests claimed to like the food we served. However, it didn’t meet our scrumptious standards. Aside from the swordfish recipes, which we both honestly loved, we threw most of the leftovers out; except the muffins, which Julie says she liked and finished off for breakfast the next week. She said she couldn’t be moved to eat the apple desserts, and I tried three times to save my potatoes with more cheddar cheese melted on top but the only way I found them edible was to pour Estelene Ladd’s famous homemade blue cheese dressing over them.

I’ve tried the recipes in Forever Fit three times and haven’t had much luck. I would say the Cooking For Cher recipes produce much better results (the chocolate chip muffins and the swordfish were a hit) and I will surely try more recipes from it, including Lentil Chili and Georgia’s Cornbread Dressing.  ◙

From Cher Zine 2: Golden Greats

Coda:

In the summer of 2025 I tried the swordfish recipe again. We made roasted vegetables to go with the it instead of trying to make shih kebobs. And as the recipe suggested, we could barbeque the fish or broil it. So we broiled it. The only snafu was that our broiler set itself on fire during the process and our house filled with smoke. But no worries, the swordfish briquets were not ruined. I added some gochujang sauce with it because I am obsessed with that right now on my fishes.